Third-rate families are unreasonable, first-class families don't fight for right or wrong.

/June 2022


Home, should we be reasonable?

see a question on the Internet:

when did you feel disappointed in your parents?

there is an answer:

it probably started when they were unreasonable.

have you ever experienced such a situation:

when a child makes a mistake, you choose to yell at your child instead of asking why and knowing what happened.

your child's view of something is completely opposite to your own point of view. You think there is something wrong with your child's idea, and you want to help him correct it and convince him to stand on his side of the view.

when your child is asked not to watch mobile phone or TV, even if you sometimes need electronic equipment for homework, you are skeptical and say your child is lying.


in these scenes, once the child starts to refute, the originally peaceful family will be instantly ignited into a battlefield.

I meet a lot of adolescent children, the most aggrieved is not their parents' lack of achievement, nor their parents' lack of time to accompany them, but some parents who are really unreasonable.

habitual double standards, constant preference for harsh criticism, as long as they hear a rebuttal, they will use the authority of parents to suppress their children. In reality, there are not a few such parents.

many people say that home is not a place to be reasonable, but a place to be emotional.

but the so-called no rules can not be square, home is a square, there must be rules within the circle, and rules, is "reason".

this "reason" is not only the measure of speaking, but also the bottom line of doing things.

even among relatives who are related by blood, there must be "reason" in order to achieve family harmony and prosperity.


the premise of family harmony is that we have seen such a couple in the program "Golden Mediation".

Ms. Zou loves her husband Mr. Lin very much, but after 30 years of marriage, she not only forced her husband to run away from home late at night, but also forced her son not to come home for four years.

she was so aggrieved that she pointed all the blame at her husband.

Mr. Lin is helpless, saying that Ms. Zou often gets angry easily. Often because of very small things, make a lot of trouble, over the years, no matter big or small things, as long as the wife is slightly dissatisfied, the end will be a word-trouble.

once her husband wanted to give his brother a gift of several hundred yuan. Ms. Zou felt that her brother was not benevolent and righteous, so she shouldn't have intercourse. If her husband didn't agree, Ms. Zou refused to forgive and felt that her husband didn't respect her, so she finally listened to her.

in this marriage, all three members of the family are very depressed. The husband and son feel that Ms. Zou's personality is too extreme and her desire for control is so strong that people are out of breath.

but Ms. Zou feels that her husband does not understand her needs and never takes the initiative to be considerate and tolerant of her.

marriages like this are actually very common in our lives, only to a lesser or lesser degree.

Men complain that women are unreasonable, while women complain that men don't understand feelings.

both sides think that they do not get the respect they deserve, but both sides only care about their own feelings.

the mediator finally said something that made people feel deeply:

I think so.

Home is like a car. To be reasonable is to step on the brakes and to be reasonable is to step on the accelerator.

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if a car has a throttle, it is easy to have an accident on the road. If a car has brakes, it can't go anywhere.

only with the coordination of throttle and brake and the blending of emotion and reason, the "home" car will drive more steadily and farther and farther away.


the key to the blending of emotion and reason is that "do not fight for right or wrong"

"blending of reason" is easy to say, but not so easy to do.

for parents, children and partners, it is difficult for us to distinguish between right and wrong as well as to outsiders.

it is also human nature to be accustomed to criticizing and demanding too much on your family. People, ah, can't help being capricious to those closest to them.

in many cases, it is a small thing that breaks the harmony of a family because of our "capriciousness", and it is also the small things that destroy the parent-child relationship and the relationship between husband and wife.

the more families ignore trivial matters, the more likely they are to have frequent conflicts.

in fact, if you want to ease family disputes caused by trifles, the most crucial step is not to fight for right or wrong.

such a little thing was recorded in "the three of us":

but although Yang Jiang won, she was very unhappy, and her interest in going abroad was spoiled.

in fact, most of the time, we take right and wrong too seriously. Between family members, what if you are right or wrong?

if you don't get praise and encouragement, but end up complaining or unhappy, such concerns and disputes will become the fuse of destroying family harmony.

but not fighting for right or wrong does not mean that everything in the family can be confused, but that the atmosphere of the family is not always in a state of tension.

the best solution is: in 80% of family trifles, use more "affection" and less "reason", do not dispute right or wrong, and give way as much as you can. In 20% of family events, use more "reason" and less "emotion", respect each other's expression, and reach a consensus calmly.

the following three precautions are summarized, which may be helpful to family harmony.

1. As a parent, don't rely on the old to sell the old, and don't preach like an elder, which is ineffective and easy to be disliked.

it is up to the children to decide their own affairs, and the role of parents is to help their children grow up, not to replace them.

give more helpful advice to childrenDon't give them orders to satisfy their desire for control.

2. Children must remember to respect their parents, even if what they say is illogical and unhelpful, don't yell at their parents or show extreme impatience.

parents' hearts are sensitive, and the older they are, the more sensitive they are.

what filial piety is, first of all, we should take the initiative to be "filial", care more about them, and then be "obedient", that is, to get along with them according to their temper and ideas.

Don't show it to your face even if you don't agree with it in your heart. In fact, the decision-making power of the real choice is always in your hands, and the advice given by your parents is always advice.

3. To be a partner, you should do well in three words: tolerance, accommodation and companionship. That is, tolerance, tolerance and companionship.

tolerate your partner's shortcomings. After all, you are dealing with them for the rest of your life.

put up with your partner's temper. Everyone has a temper and will lose his temper with the person closest to him. If your partner loses his temper and your temper comes up, how can your family not become a volcano?

spend more time with your partner, even if you are busy at work. You should spend time with your partner. The reason why many couples end up getting divorced is that they have less companionship and less tolerance for daily trifles.


I often hear a saying:

this is true. When children grow up in a harmonious atmosphere, their character, temper and upbringing are different after all.

third-rate families are unreasonable, and first-class families do not fight for right or wrong. I hope that we can all grow up and grow old under reasonable families, and create an excellent native family environment for the next generation.