I'm not sorry I couldn't be with you at all.

/December 2022

half a year ago, I accompanied Guazi to send it to the express. The package was full of items she wanted to send back to the former. When filling out the express form, she mistakenly wrote the column that should have written "sender" on the left as "recipient". When the courier reminded her that she was wrong, Guazi finally couldn't help her emotion. She "tugged" and scratched the tip of her pen angrily back and forth until the wrong name could not be seen at all.


the paper was scratched quickly, the print was deep and shallow on the paper, and the delivery guy looked puzzled, and I knew it was all because of the good deed of the ex-boyfriend who cheated and got another girl pregnant.


originally Guazi wasn't so angry. What really made her angry was that after the first breakup between the two, she lost a five-year relationship to a five-hour long-distance relationship, the former asked to get back together, but not only did she not cherish Guazi more, but directly cheated on her and got another girl pregnant.


several months later, when I carefully mentioned the matter to her while walking around the playground, she said generously that if only she had been determined and not soft-hearted when she broke up for the first time.


I didn't understand, so she continued: "I wanted to surprise him on the road of their school that day, but I came to me head on. Besides him and that girl, it was really embarrassing, because at that moment you looked at your boyfriend holding another girlfriend, and you suddenly didn't know who you were, and you even felt that you were the third person who should disappear."


"while being embarrassed, I regret it, because if I could break up firmly for the first time, I would recall this person who accompanied me from junior high school to college, and it was more likely that our five-year relationship was finally defeated by regret in a different place, rather than the bursts of disgust that I felt when I saw the two cheaters think about what they had done after the second reunion. I regret the good memories I have ruined for five years. "


after listening to her, we had already walked two laps of the playground, and we happened to pass by a boy who was too tired to run and bent over to breathe. I couldn't help thinking that he was like Guazi-too hard.


We all used to be people like Lin Zhenxin. We could curse others for our secret lovers and chase another one for them. When he occasionally met someone he liked, we had to hand him love letters. It's a pity that in our youth, almost everyone is Lin Zhenxin, but not everyone we like is Xu Taiyu, who can persist in innocence and fulfill promises in the movie. Lin Zhenxin is too ordinary. But Xu Taiyu doesn't have it very often.


six months ago, after writing an article about having a crush on a boy at the front desk in high school, a particularly close friend asked, "Why didn't you confess your love to him in high school?" I replied to him, "anyway, we are good friends now, and I am very satisfied. If I had been clear at that time, I would have been embarrassed now."

 to tell you the truth, it's not so frank "just be friends". It's just because I dare not lose this person, who represents too many memories of youth and high school. Only by maintaining a friend relationship can we really chat and eat together like real friends at any time and share our lives in a proper way.  

this is our "regret". Its beauty and innocence can only be remembered as precious memories, rather than those who try too hard to achieve the love height or sports effect they want, and end up feeling tired and secretly regret.


Mrs. Chen in "in the mood for Love", the woman who goes downstairs to buy Wonton & noodles in a slim cheongsam and exquisite makeup, has admitted that she had cheated on her spiritually and fell in love with her neighbor Mr. Zhou, but she is limited by her self-esteem. She pursues decent and perfect love, rather than secret love.


so even if Mr. Zhou has one more ticket, she won't leave.


but in the movie, one scene clearly says, "it was an embarrassing relative, and she kept her head down and gave him a chance to get close." He didn't have the courage to approach. She turned around and left. "


so she actually knows that she wants to be with Mr. Zhou. She knows that Mr. Zhou moves her heart, but she just leaves behind a regret that she hasn't even tried. This result can be called "regret" because she didn't get on board and she didn't even have a chance to fail.


there is a girl named Green Calyx in the Divine carving Heroes, but almost no one watching Jin Yong will remember her, let alone regret that she is not with Yang. Because the character setting itself is a tragedy, she is destined to live for unrequited love for Yang Guo and die for Yang Guo.


for example, the father of Green Calyx is ruthless and wants to execute Green Calyx when he breaks the valley rule.Negotiate terms with her daughter, let her give up on Yang, so he asked: "if you do not intercede for the boy surnamed Yang, I will spare you." I can only go around one person, forgive you or forgive him? "

Green Calyx whispered, "forgive him." \ & quot;


I used to feel unwilling for her when I watched this period at home during the summer vacation when I was a child. I knew that anyway she was just Yang Guo's supporting role, and she knew that the last relationship must be a pity, but she was duty-bound to survive with a humble attitude.


Green Calyx and Mrs. Chen, two love stories go the same way, but if you let me live their lives, I will choose Green Calyx.

 as we said in "one" last month, "if we always regret it, it's more real than why we didn't do it or why we didn't do it." At least when you do those shameful things, you get real joy, not only fantasy sorrow, so empty regret is the double failure of life. "  
 there is no such thing as a perfect reunion in the world, and all feelings will eventually become persistent and ugly, so if you can, don't let the one you love not love.  

while listening to the radio last night, the host interrupted a song. I only remember two sentences:


you can always sink

people should go to sleep with sobriety


satisfy their consciousness

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piously make mistakes

later I shared these two lyrics to my friends, and another person sent me a line from "fallen Angel." "when I left, I asked him to take me home. I haven't been on a motorcycle for a long time, and I haven't been so close to a person in a long time, although I know the road is not very far. I know I'll get off soon, but this minute, I feel so warm. "


what is love? when you hug someone, you know they won't last forever. You may feel pain when you think of it, but just because it hurts, don't you continue to love him? Afraid to try our best in the end, only regret is not an excuse for us not to "try and make mistakes", cowardice and lack of love are the real reasons.


I also remembered the line I wrote while crying on my way to the airport, saying, "I don't want to win, I can't lose." Maybe I still didn't have a close relationship with anyone in the end, and I couldn't keep all the people who were leaving.


I can't keep the people who want to leave. It doesn't matter. I know that those who want to leave will go, but if I ask for it out loud, I just lose to myself, not to others.