I resent every piece of fat on my body.

/December 2022

I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself in the mirror.

"ugly and fat."

there is a voice in my heart that speaks to me, which is extremely mean and disgusted.

"be sure to start losing weight." Another voice rang in my ear.

OK, start to lose weight. Once again, I made up my mind, then went upstairs to my dorm and ate 17 packets of biscuits.

this is a morbid scene that often occurs when I lose weight. Suffering from mental and physical suffering, this time really makes me feel very painful.

it has been three years since we began to "lose weight". The reason why I started to lose weight is that when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend three years ago, he secretly said to my friends around me, "my brother doesn't know why I want to be with her. I'm ugly and fat."

after knowing this, I felt the thunder hit the top. I didn't know that someone I loved so much would feel ashamed to be with me from the bottom of my heart-just because my flesh, my appearance, did not reach what he thought was "beautiful". I do not know the original appearance will become you like a person, or give up a person the most direct premise. I do not know that the original "fat" will override the character and character, and become the reason for judge to be alone and dislike a person. I don't know that the feeling of "saving face" brought by the original appearance can be magnified to "do I want to accept you or not".

so from then on, I longed for myself to lose weight. Because I am extremely inferior, because I am eager to get recognition from other people's eyes, because I am eager for others to love me.

for every inch of meat lost, it is as if you are losing an inch of inferiority. Every time I lose weight, I seem to bring ten times as much praise to myself.

if I think I'm fat, I'm bound to be disliked. If I think I'm good-looking, I'm sure to be liked.

is so extreme.

when I first started to lose weight, the hardest thing to do was to "don't eat". At first I just skipped dinner, but it didn't work, so I began to force myself not to eat anything. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, as long as I feel hungry, I start to drink water. Often hungry to the eye, the whole person is confused, doing things during the day is not in the state at all. The face is always sallow, no matter when it is, it looks lethargic.

gradually, I went from "starving" to numb. I am used to "hunger" and even think that skipping meals is the norm. A little eating breaks my "hard-built balance".

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but I can't avoid eating food-although I've been starving all the time, I know I can't stop eating at all, so every once in a while, I eat a "normal meal". I usually go out to play with my friends, and I don't want to spoil the fun of my friends because I don't eat, so I always eat a big meal with my friends. Sometimes the feeling of hunger comes back, and you can't help eating a lot of food and repressing it for too long, so you eat a lot.

but every time I finish eating, whether it's a small amount to a biscuit or a full hot pot, my guilt is overwhelming-I'm scared, I'm afraid of getting fat, I want to destroy what I've eaten, and I want to pretend I haven't eaten it. So I had to find a way to punish myself and get rid of the guilt that was about to overwhelm me.

so I started throwing up.

forget since when, as soon as I finish eating, I will go to the bathroom and spit out everything I have eaten. I held out my finger and put it down my throat, and the desire to vomit forced me to pour everything I ate out of my stomach again.

at first, I began to vomit under the pressure of fear and guilt only when I felt I had eaten too much. After more and more time, I became twisted again-because I ate too much, I could throw up, so I ate as hard as I could.

relying on this self-comfort and this extremely abnormal behavior, I began to eat sick. My heart is desperate to lose weight, and the more scared I am, the more I want to escape, so I place this escape in a cycle of eating and constantly forcing myself to spit out.

this is a kind of self-abandonment. It seems that after punishing myself in this way, the food I eat will not be regarded as eating, and I will not get fat. So I can eat as hard as I can, but I'm not fat.

when I eat too much, I want to shove food into my stomach when I see it. Three bags of potato chips, normal people, should stop after eating one bag, but after eating one bag, my guilt began to come out. In order to avoid this guilt, I will eat all three bags at once. When I go out to eat, I will numb everything on the table into my mouth until there is no food left on the table. I don't know where the "degree" is, and I don't want to control it. Because there is always a small voice in my heart saying to me, "it's all right. You can spit it out when you eat too much."

so every time I have to eat myself up, I have a pain in my stomach, and the food in my throat is about to come out immediately, so I may stop.

then spit it out and eat again.

every time I am in a small cubicle in the toilet, I am numb. I couldn't think of anything, and then I began to mechanically stick my fingers down my throat and scratch. Sweeping ill feeling, a mass of food that has changed beyond recognition spurted out from the mouth, sprayed out, and sprayed into the toilet. I keep throwing up, and then I put my finger in it and throw up again. After vomiting and reaching in, reaching in and throwing up again.

until I can clearly see the scene in front of me-the narrow space, the mess of vomit in front of me, and the feeling of emptying my abdomen. I vomited so much that I couldn't stand up, my eyes were full of tears and my nose was running all over my face.But I feel the pleasure of punishing myself.

but what continues is pain.

I'm in pain. Because I can't stop feeling guilty. As long as I continue to be afraid of getting fat, I will continue to be afraid of eating. As long as I am afraid of eating, I will want to escape and comfort myself powerfully. So I couldn't stop overeating, and I couldn't stop vomiting.

in the worst case, vomit at least five or six times a day, then find all the food you can find, tuck it down, and then tuck it down.

it seems to fill my heart with fear.

it's too painful, it's really painful. This vicious circle becomes a self-masochistic addiction.

countless nights I asked myself, is this still losing weight? this is a disease.

my mother sensed my sickness when I destroyed a large box of blue can cookies in only an hour at home. She grabbed my hand and asked me, "can't you stop eating?" Why do you have to eat? "

I looked at her and shook my head helplessly. I can't. I can't control it. I really don't know how to stop even if I start to cry after eating so much pain in my stomach.

I would like to ask my friends for help, but it is difficult for me to talk about my symptoms. How can I describe this morbid condition? Every time I see my vomit, I feel like a terminally ill weirdo. I can't face my twisted psychology, how can I be honest with my friends that I have deep scars in the bone marrow?

when this symptom has become my greater fear, I am scared. I am afraid that as long as I still want to lose weight one day, I will not find the end of this vicious circle. But I can't stop losing weight, so I'm afraid that if I keep throwing up like this, it will make my body collapse. I'm afraid of death.

I went to see a psychiatrist, and he talked to me for nearly three hours and said to me, "your symptom is not so serious that it needs to be controlled with drugs." You go to do psychological counseling, there is a knot in the heart has not been untied, untied can be good. "

the psychiatrist and I looked at each other. But after I went there once, I didn't have the courage to go again.

when I wrote this article, my friend asked me, "I ask you seriously, are you feeling better now?"

I answered her seriously, better, really better.

better, so I can be honest with myself, so I can write these monologues.

in the process of losing weight, there was a time when I really became very thin. At that time, I seemed to have a lot of friends and suitors around me. I was happy at that time, and I finally got the affirmation I wanted. I look at myself in the mirror, I feel very satisfied, I am beautiful, I look like what I want.

but after losing weight, I still can't face my inferiority complex. I place my value on other people's evaluation of my appearance. So I think, none of them really like me, do they? Do you like me who is skinny?

I even give up thinking that when I get fat, they will all leave me.

so I overeat again and make myself fat. I may have a psychological hint in my heart, I think, "these are all fake. I feel very empty when I have lost weight, so I want to eat."

when I reached a pole, at some point, I suddenly compromised with myself.

the reason why we persist in losing weight is that we are inferior to who we are. The evaluation of us by others and the slim and beautiful in our eyes have become our lifesaver. We think that when we lose weight, we will have friends, suitors, and recognition. But the process of losing weight is sharpening us, making us feel that these "results" are only the hard work of losing weight, and "getting fat" is too easy in our eyes. That's why it's empty, thinking that what we get is bound to be lost soon.

but in fact, in addition to appearance, in addition to the flesh on our bodies, our real value lies in what we feel "empty" but more important-character, pursuit, preferences, knowledge. It is even no exaggeration to say that our value lies in our soul, which is the "me" that distinguishes us from others.

do not rely on the evaluation of others to affirm yourself, to find your own value, to affirm yourself. In the end, I found that the phrase "fat and ugly" that was said three years ago was actually only a small one of thousands of comments on me, which could not completely determine "who I am" or sum up "what am I like" at all.

We can pursue the appearance of beauty, but we can't distort it or turn it into pain. Inner inferiority complex cannot be cured by dieting in a hurry to lose weight, because there is no cure at all. We can only face our inferiority complex, ask ourselves why we feel inferior, find a place where we can really affirm our worth, where we can get confidence that you feel secure, and then affirm ourselves.

dieting and losing weight is the least desirable, because it is eager for success, so it is easy to go to extremes, and because it violates the law of life, it will destroy the function of the body and make people depressed. Only when you exercise in a down-to-earth manner, get rid of bad eating habits, and let yourself get better in a way that makes you happy and acceptable, you will really accept yourself.

in this way, if you make yourself look better, you will not be empty and will be more confident.

when I get fat again, I really find that my cherished friends are still by my side, and my parents are still most concerned about my health. I don't know how many people who are losing weight will go through the process of losing weight and getting fat again, but if they do, I will find that obesity will not really change.How much our lives have changed.

maybe when you lose weight, you will receive more admiration and wear more beautiful clothes, but when you get fat, the person who really loves you still loves you, your ability is still yours, and your life is still beautiful. You may not be able to wear small clothes, but there are so many aspects of life that you will still be happy if you are used to looking for happiness.

if you live a healthy life and can control your desires, you don't have enough meat to frighten and disgust you.

Don't live for what others think of you.

A few days ago, my friend told me that she was a little afraid of losing weight recently, and began to become very afraid that she could not lose weight, and she was very concerned about it. Looking at her helplessness, I seemed to see that me.

I really want to say to her: "Don't be too persistent, thin or not, I will like you."

I hope that each of us can respect the values of others. Don't judge others casually, and don't judge people by their appearance.