Destroy a child, rush him...

/August 2022

early this morning, the neighbor's house was noisy, and the mother's roar and the baby's cry resounded through the whole building.

"how many times have I told you, come on, just don't listen!" Don't go out today if you don't dawdle like this! "

"if you wear a shoe for so long, I think you did it on purpose!"

"eat breakfast for most of the day. I wish I could wear clothes for half an hour. I said I was going to be late, and you gave it to me slowly."

as the elevator closed, the voices of mother and son gradually faded away, and this "farce" finally came to an end.

I, who was "forced to sit in", not only lamented that it was not easy to bring up children, but also had a deeper understanding of the terrible degree of "pushing children."

in these intensive urging words, even if others can feel great pressure, what kind of harm will the child suffer? "

if you want to destroy a child, push him hard." This sentence is never a joke.


behind every chronic child

there is an urgent parent

in life, "dillydally" children and "impatient" parents always seem to show up at the same time.

in the eyes of impatient parents, the child's every move is "slow", the daze when eating is dillydally, the sudden pause while walking is dillydally, the clumsiness of clothes and shoes is dillydally, and the strange problems that arise from time to time are also dillydally.

in fact, rather than saying that this "one fast and one slow" is inherently out of tune, it is better to say that impatient parents are unconsciously blinded by their own "arrogance".

the essence of arrogance is narcissism, control and inequality. I still remember that when Yang Shuo and his son went to "where is Dad going", Yang Shuo's "ferocious" appearance to his son was criticized by countless netizens.

the child had short legs and walked more slowly on the rugged mountain road, so he said viciously that if he was so slow, he would immediately go back to the starting point and walk again.

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after being threatened by his father, the child's pace trembled and his speed did not improve much, but his face was full of panic and uneasiness.

another mother from Zhuzhou, Hunan Province, is even more "awesome". She broke her ribs in order to urge the child to do her homework.

she admitted that it has become a common occurrence for her to urge her children to study. That day, she nagged as usual because her children were too busy playing games and refused to start their homework.

I didn't expect that I had just roared and had a severe pain in my body. I hurried into the hospital and found that my ribs were broken.

when I get home, the child is naturally given a good education.

however, few people wonder whether the parents of powerful children have really got what they want. No.

they not only fail to speed up the baby smoothly, but also fall into the strange circle of "getting slower and slower".

French child psychiatrist Christine Flaveni has done research on this. She found that

Children who are often urged by their parents either become "extremely dependent" when they grow up, do not take the initiative and rely on their parents to arrange everything, or become "extremely rebellious", specializing in opposing their parents' opinions.

behind these two types, children are exposed to the same attitude: non-violence and non-cooperation.

they do not resist violently, but express their dissatisfaction through negative response.

once the mentality of "the more you urge me, the more I don't want to do it", once the habit is formed, the child will completely lose the initiative to live and learn.

unwittingly, the urge, roar and dislike of parents have become sharp knives at their children.


the consequences of urging children turned out to be so terrible

A few days ago, my best friend and I complained about my son's tardiness at dinner. she said that my son had been at home all the time when he was eating well in kindergarten. When it comes to eating, she doesn't cooperate, and grandma has to chase after her.

one of the words impressed me most: "We have to say 'hurry up, the food is going to be cold' dozens of times for a meal, and we really feel like we have an ancestor."

I asked her directly, "have you ever tried not to rush him at all and let him eat by himself?"

the best friend hesitated for a long time to reply: "We chase and feed him, he eats so slowly, if he is allowed to do it himself, it will have to be everywhere, isn't it more troublesome?"

this just exposes the true mentality of most parents to "urge their children".

sometimes, it's not that children don't know how to do a thing, and it's not that they don't want to do it on their own, but parents often don't even give them a chance, pouring down the cold water of "urging + blaming". The idea that they want to try is extinguished.

there is a psychological concept called "learned helplessness", which is precisely the case.

when a person is always denied and thought to be unable to do something well, over time, he will really fall into self-doubt: "what I can't do anyway, I might as well not do it at all."

obviously, this runs counter to the original intention of the parents' urging, but the children will take the angry words they say in the urge to be true. At the same time, "urge the child" has another hidden harm: emotional loss of control.

recall, what is the mental state of parents when they urge their children to hurry up?

must be impatient, impatient, and sometimes even accompanied by rage.

under the influence of this strong negative emotion, parents will, on the one hand, exert verbal violence on their children, and on the other hand, they will unwittingly pass on anxiety and unease to their children, aggravating their procrastination.

Dr Ethan of the University of Michigan has confirmed through experiments that when people encounter verbal violence, pain can also be felt in areas of the brain, which can reach almost the same level as physical pain.

the results of another study are even more shocking.

those children who are often yelled and scolded will have irreversible changes in their brain structure, which will affect their processing of sensory signals, reduce their ability to control emotions, and even increase the risk of depression and anxiety disorders.

when children hear those urging and reprimand, even if nothing has happened on the outside, they are already scarred on the inside.

when parents think they are only habitually urging their children, it is "for the good of their children", but they may actually cause irreparable harm.


instead of urging the child, it is better to do this

the good child is not rushed out, nor is it roared out.

instead of nagging, it's better to remember these four parenting principles.

Let the child form the concept of time.

most of the time, children are labeled as "procrastinating" before they can form a concept of time, which is unfair to them.

especially for young children, the first thing parents should do is to lead them to have the concept of time, such as knowing clocks, ways and units of time measurement, and so on.

when they know that it takes 5 minutes for a long minute hand and 60 seconds for a thin second hand, they can gradually establish a perceptual understanding of time, and on this basis derive the concepts of punctuality, "fast and slow".

in this way, when parents communicate with their children, they do not have to repeat "hurry up", but use "leave in ten minutes". This expression is more accurate and rational.

distinguish between "fake dillydally" and "really lazy".

the nature of children is to explore the world, and many trivialities of life that are ordinary in the eyes of adults are full of wonderful ideas.

out of curiosity, they stop and try to figure it out, which inadvertently becomes "dillydally".

as parents, what we need to do is to guide the way, not stand in the way.

if children seem to be dillydally, they are actually observing new things and adapting to the new environment, then we might as well generously give more time to communicate with them, answer questions, and give them enough time to give them a chance to become faster and more skilled.